Sailor Naruto
by evilsockofghana
Summary: Replacement Crossover with Naruto and Sailor Moon!
1. Naruto's Magnificent Transformation

NOTE: I have changed this chapter slightly to make it more funny in places!

Author's Note: Yes, this is Sailor Moon with Naruto. All main characters in the Sailor Moon series will be filled by Naruto characters. Some Naruto characters may not appear until later and some may never appear at all.

If someone asks, I'll do a character list, but it should be pretty obvious. (Especially after they transform.)

Some characters I've left in the original Sailor Moon version.

Here some of the characters (these ones may be kind of hard)

Naru: original Sailor moon version

Umino: Hinata

The teacher: Genma

Brother: original Sailor moon version

-…-

_I'm Uzumaki Naruto, 14 years old, eighth grade. I'm a little clumsy and a bit of a whiner. That's about it._

The alarm went off with a sharp suddenness. Naruto reached for it, but was forced to get up when he knocked it off the dresser. He jumped out of bed, sped by the clock's shrill voice. He clicked it off and groggily flipped it over to see the time.

"AFTER EIGHT ALREADY?"

He yanked his clothes and flew down the hall still brushing his teeth. He flicked the toothbrush into a corner, spat into the sink, and raced out the door.

A moment later he came back to grab his lunch, a cup of instant ramen. Then he was gone again.

He yawned as he ran down the street.

"Why does morning have to come every day?" He groused. He paused as he heard voices coming from down a side street.

"Get the cat! Yeah!"

"Hey, cat! Bark!"

This was accompanied by an angry yowl in which words were indistinguishable. Naruto quickly ran over to where three boys were huddled around something.

"Hey! Stop it!" he yelled. They scattered, and he quickly ran over.

"I can't believe it. Those insults were so unoriginal." He bent down.

"Poor kitty. It's okay now."

He examined the cat. It had two criss-crossed bandaids on its forehead, and a long scar across its nose.

"Oh, did they put a bandaid on you? That's a stupid and plot-serving prank."

The cat started scratching furiously at the bandaids.

"You want me to take it off?" He laughed. "Here."

He started to pull at it. "It did kind of suit you, though. Well, I lied. It looked dumb."

He pulled it all the way off. "A crescent shaped scar?"

The cat pulled an amazing double backflip, landing neatly on a nearby car. Naruto stared at it. It stared back. Naruto laughed nervously as the cat began to walk toward him. He backed away a few steps. A bell began to toll somewhere nearby.

"I don't have time for this!" he shrieked. He turned and ran.

The cat watched him go.

-…-

"_Uzumaki Naruto, you're late again!"_

"Ugh. How could they make such a tired guy stand in the hall?" His stomach growled loudly. He surreptitiously glanced both ways down the hall. Then he grabbed his lunch.

"Well, I did skip breakfast, so…_itadakimasu_!" (Time to eat!)

He was interrupted when the teacher appeared out in the hall.

"What are you doing, Uzumaki?" growled Genma. "This is why you've got failing grades!"

He held up a test.

"Thirty percent!" exclaimed Naruto, horrified.

"Yes." Said Genma angrily.

And then the scene changed.

-…-

"Naruto, I can't believe you." Said another student, later. "You were going to eat your lunch early? What about your girlish figure?"

"I'm a growing boy." He growled back. "Come on, Naru, don't tease that way! You're one of the only people here who likes me. Don't you understand?"

She thought about it while another girl shyly walked up.

"Naruto, how did you on your test?" she stammered.

"H-hyuuga…" muttered Naruto.

"Can't you tell how depressed he is? Of _course_ it was bad!"

Naruto winced.

"Oops, did that sting? I'm sorry!"

"Y-you don't have to be so upset. I didn't get a perfect this time because I didn't really try." Hinata held up a test with a large ninety five. "If you think of a test as a game…"

"How weird!" said Naru. Then she noticed that Naruto seemed to taking it all a little too hard…

"Oh! Did you hear that Sailor V appeared again?" she said, trying to sound excited.

"Sailor V?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah. She caught the robbers from the jewel heist."

"Wow!"

"Isn't it great?"

"Er…what's a Sailor V?" asked Naruto.

"Don't act so impressed if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about!" yelled Naru, exasperated.

"Sailor V is the heroine in a school uniform that's been causing an uproar." Said Hinata.

A short video clip played. "Sai-lor V!"

Hinata tapped her fingers together. "There's a rumor that she's actually a special agent from the police department."

"Oh, so there's stuff like that now. Must be the end of the century." Said Naruto with an air of authority.

"Oh, but gems are so beautiful!" sighed Naru. "I can understand why they'd want to steal them.

"Don't you know what I mean, Naruto?" she said snarkily. "Don't you want a diamond ring, and ruby earrings?"

"You wish!" he retorted.

"Oh, yeah! Our store has been having a sale on jewelry since yesterday! Will you come with me?"

"Jewelry sale?" said Naruto doubtfully.

"They'll have rings and stuff even I can afford!" she said excitedly.

"I guess I'll go with you."

"Cool! Come over after school!"

Naruto drooped at this. "Wish school was over sooner…" he muttered. Naru grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

"Uh…Naruto?" trailed Hinata.

-…-

Somewhere, in a dark and forbidding place, a man sat on a skull throne.

"Have you still not found the silver crystal?" asked Orochimaru angrily. He gazed in a crystal.

"No, my lord." Came the answer from many throats.

"I desire a great amount of energy. If you cannot find the silver crystal, then first give me human energy."

"Lord Orochimaru." Cam a Voice from beyond a misty wall. "Will you leaVe it to me, Sakon? My minion, the monster Morga, is already gathering human energy."

"I will leave it to you, Sakon."

And then the scene changed again.

-…-

"Wow." Observed Naruto. "There are a lot of people!"

He had a talent for stating the obvious. The shop was filled with women picking out jewelry.

"Thank you for choosing us!" a harassed –looking woman shouted through a megaphone. "Feel free to try them on! Welcome! Welcome! WELCOME!"

"Mom's pretty into it." Muttered Naru.

"Maybe she's inspired. Or crazy."

"Come in! It's all on sale!"

They lost sight of her as she walked away. They didn't see her smile turn into a cruel smirk. They didn't hear what she said.

"Foolish humans!"

She watched as the rings and necklaces gleamed, sucking the energy away from those who wore them.

"Give all your energy to our great ruler!" She started laughing maniacally without noticing the small boy behind her, who started edging away slowly.

-…-

From far away, Sakon watched. He chuckled.

"It's gathering…the energy of the foolish humans who are taken by the brilliance of the gems."

He held a glowing, swirling ball of energy in his hand.

"Lord Orochimaru will be Very pleased." He laughed, delighted.

"Morga! Gather even more energy!"

-…-

Down on earth, Naru's mother nodded.

"Yes, sir." She purred.

"Mama!"

Morga spun around. Her face transformed itself.

"Oh, welcome home, Naru!" she said cheerfully.

"I brought a friend!" announced Naru. She, like Naruto, was skilled at stating the obvious.

Naruto bowed. "Hello!"

"Thank you for coming! It's crowded, but please look around!"

"Thanks!" said Naruto.

"I know! Since you're Naru's friend, I'll give you a discount!"

"Really? I'm so lucky?" _Though I don't know any girls that would want jewelry from me, so there's not really any point…_

"How about this diamond?" she asked, going behind the counter. "It usually sells for about 500,000 yen, but I'll lower it to 30,000!" (_Note: 500,000 yen is about 5000 dollars, and 30,000 yen is about 300 dollars, so this is a pretty big discount!)_

"500,000 to 30,000!" shouted Naru and Naruto in unison. Unfortunately, the women in the shop heard them. They were immediately butted out of the way.

"Sold!"

"Wait, I'll buy it!"

"It's mine!"

Naru and Naruto dragged themselves out of the crowd and huddled at the edge of the shop.

"500,000 to 30,000. Hell, for that much, I'm sure I could find _someone_ to give it to!"

"Maybe you should ask your father."

"I just failed my English test!"

"Oh, yeah."

"And I've pretty much used up my allowance for the month." He drooped, reminded of his not-so-little financial troubles. Naru set her hand on his shoulder.

"Be strong, Naruto. Be strong."

-…-

He later walked out of the shop alone. He dug his test out of his bag and stared at the large 30.

"Wish I'd studied harder…or just studied a little…" Aggravated, he crumpled it up. "Oh, die!"

The wadded ball bounced off of a store awning when he tossed it away—and landed right on someone's head.

"Hey, that hurts, dumpling-head!" snarled an angry Voice.

"Huh? Oh, sorry," started Naruto as he turned around.

"30?" said the person in disbelief. He was looking at Naruto's test!

"Ah!" Naruto was mortified. He always said "Ah!" when he was mortified. It was a bad habit.

"Study harder, dumpling-head!" she admonished.

"It's none of your business!" yelled Naruto, snatching the test back. He stuck out his tongue and spun around, walking away.

"What's with her? I can't believe it." He turned around briefly to look at her. She had bright pink hair.

"What a weirdo." He muttered.

After he had left, Sakura took off her sunglasses and continued to stare up at the sky.

Naruto walked past a poster in the arcade that was advertising a new Sailor Lee game.

"Huh? Sailor Lee? They made a game already?"

A brief Video clip of Sailor Lee played.

"Must be nice being Sailor Lee." Murmured Naruto. "You don't have to worry about tests, and catching bad guys must be awesome."

He didn't notice the cat watching him.

"But me, on the other hand…" he sighed. He stared at the test again. "I don't want to take this home."

He continued to whine loudly to himself as he headed toward home.

The cat stared after him.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I've finally found you."

-…-

Naruto opened the door with flair.

"I'm home!" he yelled. His mother was waiting for him.

"Oh, you're back. You're late."

"Er…yeah, a bit." Said Naruto guiltily.

"I ran into Hinata. She said you got your tests back."

"Er…"

"Hinata said she got a 95."

"Really?" said Naruto a little too loudly. "Wow! That's amazing!" _Hinata's got a big mouth!_

"And what did you get, Naruto?"

"Er…well…that is…"

"Let me see." His mother was still cheerful. Naruto held out his test.

The cheer disappeared.

"NARUTO!" She started twirling her spatula in a threatening way. "After getting such a bad score, I'm not letting you in the house!"

And just a moment later, Naruto was sitting on his rump on the doorstep. He banged on the door.

"Mom!"

"I can't hear you!"

A foot made connection with his rear.

"What are you doing, _baka_ Naruto?" said the boy behind him. (Baka_ means idiot.)_ "Did you get locked out of the house again? I want a better brother!"

"You're my younger brother!" He yelled angrily. He liked to exercise his talent for stating the obvious. He took aim.

"Sailor Lee kick!"

His brother swiftly slammed the door shut and Naruto smacked his knee into it. Hard. He also came to the realization that imitating some masked superhero in a short skirt was kind of lame.

"Ow! Mom! Please let me in!"

-…-

_Back at the jewelry shop…_

A woman put her hand to her forehead, distressed.

"That's strange. I'm feeling a little bit faint." She fell to her knees next to another woman already on the floor, along with several others who had succumbed. Soon they were all crumpling.

Naru was frightened.

"What's happening to everyone all of a sudden? Mom?"

She noticed her mother standing next to a case, laughing.

"I've gathered quite a bit of energy."

"Mom?"

Her mother turned her head slowly, revealing the cruel expression of Morga.

-…-

Naruto rolled over on his bed.

"She finally let me in." He stared at the ceiling. "My throat's hoarse from griping so much. Mom didn't have to get _that_ mad."

He rolled over. "I don't feel like doing homework. Maybe I'll take a nap." He yawned.

"It's a good thing I can fall asleep so easily at times like this."

Sleeping soundly, he didn't notice the window open. Breezes whistled their way around the room, but he didn't stir.

When the window slammed itself shut, however, his eyes flicked open. He rolled over to see the cat from that morning seated on the edge of his bed.

"Hey! It's the cat with the crescent scar!"

"It's not a scar! How rude!" exclaimed the cat.

"It talked!" yelled Naruto, shocked. He leapt off the bed and stared at the cat from a kneeling position. "A cat—a cat talked!"

The cat cleared his throat and smoothed down his shirt.

"My name is Iruka. I've been looking for you, Naruto."

Naruto stared. His face was turning slightly blue.

"Oh, I need to thank you first. Thank you very much. You really helped me out by taking the bandaid off."

A brief flashback of Naruto's hand removing the bandaid played.

"I can't talk and my sensory powers are dulled when I'm like that. I was having trouble because of that bandaid prank."

The flashback ended. Iruka scooted a little closer to Naruto.

"But thanks to you, I've finally found you!" He laughed brightly, and reached out a hand to Naruto.

Naruto put his down very quickly. "Good night."

"Naruto! This is not a dream!" yelled Iruka angrily. He shook Naruto's shoulder. "Come on, Naruto!"

Naruto refused to stir.

"Fine, then. I'll wake you up. There!"

Iruka did a backflip off of the bed. There was a shining light, and a small object fell down to land on the blanket, followed by Iruka.

"Naruto, this is a present for you." Iruka looked proud of himself.

"Really? A present?" He examined it and blinked. "Hey, is this a compact?"

"Naruto, there are some strange things going on in Tokyo right now."

"This is a girly present."

"NARUTO, LISTEN TO ME! We were expecting a girl, but that's not important. There are some strange things going on in Tokyo right now. An enemy the police can't fight."

Naruto examined the object. It was a small golden disc, with a moon on it. He pinned it to his tie experimentally and looked in the mirror. Yep. Looked just like he thought it would. Really, really gay.

Iruka sprang in front of the mirror.

"Naruto, you're going to fight those enemies. You are a chosen warrior! And your other mission is to find our princess with the others."

"That's sounds sort of cool."

"You still don't believe me, do you?"

"No, I believe you, I believe you!" Naruto shook his head quickly.

"Really." Iruka didn't sound enthused. "Then say this. Moon Prism Power Makeup."

Naruto gave a small salute. "Okay. Moon Prism Power Makeup!"

His hand shot above his head. From the small disc flew ribbons, clothing him in gloves, boots, an entire schoolgirl outfit. A headband appeared on his forehead and he finished by striking a pose against a Very pretty backdrop.

His eyes widened. "Whoah! Did I just pull an entire choreographed transformation sequence out of my –"

A red jewel nestled in his hair began to beep. A voice emanated from it.

"Help! Help me! It's my mom!"

_That's Naru's Voice! What does this mean?_

"Now do you believe me?" asked Iruka rather smugly.

"I don't really get it, but Naru seems to be in danger."

"Naruto, you have become Sailor Moon. Now go and save her, quickly!"

-…-

A hand gripped Naru's throat tightly.

"Mom…stop!" she gasped.

Morga laughed. "I'm not your mom!"

Naru gasped as the woman she had thought was her mother transformed into a hideous skeletal creature.

"Your mother's locked up in the basement. After I kill you, I'll send her to the other world with you!"

"You mean you'll kill us?" gasped Naru.

"Maybe." Said the monster. "I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to mention death on this show."

She gripped Naru's throat even harder.

"Get away from Naru!" a voice shouted.

Morga pulled an exorcist and twisted her head around backward. She spotted a silhouette in the doorway.

"Who are you?" she demanded.

"Er…I'm the Sailor Warrior of Love and Justice." _In a short skirt, no less. I feel exposed._

He pulled several poses. "I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" _Where the hell is all this crap coming from?_

"Sailor Moon?" grated Morga. Her body twisted with a series of sickening cracks to realign with her head as she dropped Naru. "I've never heard of such a thing."

She raised her arms.

"Awaken, my slaves that give their energy to my great ruler!"

The women in the shop rose from the floor. Their eyes were blank.

"What are you people?" yelled Naruto, spooked. After the short skirt and the posing and the talking cat, he just wasn't ready for this.

He desperately dodged flailing arms and one broken bottle, but stumbled and ended up on the floor, backed against a pillar.

"Oh, no! I'm bleeding!" He had just noticed a cut on his leg.

"What are doing, Sailor Moon?" hissed Iruka, who had come from around the back of the pillar. "You have to fight! You have to destroy that monster!"

"Why? Why is this happening to me? I'm going home!"

Morga sprang up. "This is the end!" She shrieked, bearing down on Naruto. Naruto yelled in anticipation as her long, taloned hand reached for him—

A branch flew from nowhere, halting her attack. A branch covered in cherry blossoms. Morga spun around.

"Who's there?" she demanded.

"I am Tuxedo Mask!" the mysterious girl announced. "And whining isn't going to solve anything, Sailor Moon."

"But I…" The Volume of his whining grew. It began to resonate with the crystals in his hair, sending out waves that blasted the women in the shop.

"Stop whining!" yelled Morga.

Iruka peeked around the pillar again. "Take the tiara and yell Moon Tiara Action and throw it!" he advised.

"Why do I have to do that?"

"Just hurry up and do it!"

Naruto winced and stood.

He slipped the tiara off of his forehead and spun several times as it became a disc. He finished with a pose, yelling, "Moon Tiara Action!"

He flung the disc, which spun toward the screaming Morga.

"No way!" He gasped, as it hit her. She spun into dust.

Far away, the ball of energy Sakon held spun itself into nothing.

"Morga." He growled. "You screwed up, you idiot!"

Back at the shop, Naruto took a few slow steps toward the pile of dust that had been Morga, only to have it disappear into nothing.

"Good job, Sailor Moon!" came a voice. Naruto looked up at the window where Tuxedo Mask stood.

"I'll remember this night." She swirled her cape about her and disappeared out the window. Naruto could feel himself flushing.

_That cape was so cool. How come she gets a cape and I get a skirt?_

"You did well, Sailor Moon." Said Iruka, coming up behind him. Naruto had large hearts in his eyes.

"She's so cute!" he exclaimed.

-…-

"Hey, I had a really great dream last night!" exclaimed Naru at school the next day. "A warrior of justice name Sailor Moon appeared and destroyed this monster."

"What? I had the same dream!"

"Yeah! Me too!"

Several girls crowded Naru as Naruto shrank down at his desk.

"That's so strange! Naruto! Naruto, listen!" With surprise, they noticed he was trying to sleep.

"Be quiet!" he whined. "I'm tired, so let me sleep a little more! Good night!"


	2. House of Fortune is the Monster Mansion

AN: The transposing this chapter shall be much more liberal, and therefore (hopefully) funnier.

Limited Character List:

Tsukino Usagi (Serena, in the English version): Uzumaki Naruto

Luna: Umino Iruka

Umino: Hyuuga Hinata

Tuxedo Mask (or Darian, or whatever other names he has): Haruno Sakura

Papa (Serena's Father): Yondaime (If the manga has said his name, I don't know it)

Queen Beryl: Orochimaru

Jadeite: Sakon

Motoki: Motoko (I just changed the name and gender; it's still the Sailor Moon version)

Yes, I know, in Sailor Moon Queen Beryl has a ruler above her. I've changed it, however. Orochimaru murdered her in her sleep, I guess, 'cause he's all there is. How many evil people does this series need, anyway?

_Hi! My name is Uzumaki Naruto, fourteen years old, eighth grade. I'm a Libra and my birthstone is Pink Tourmaline. (Gyp for a boy, I know.)_

_I'm kind of clumsy and a bit of a whiner. That's all._

_One day, a strange black cat named Iruka appeared and made me into a Sailor Warrior! (Again, kind of a gyp.)_

_But he wants me to fight bad guys. That sucks._

_But I guess everything will be okay. Won't be much of a series if it isn't…_

-…-

Several people, mostly girls, rushed along the sidewalk toward a booth where an old man sat. A man at the very back of the line, which stretched around the corner, heard the two girls in front of him talking.

"This place is really good."

"I know. It's been on TV a couple times. If it's been on TV that automatically means it's good, right?"

Two girls ran up behind the man.

"Aw, look at the line!"

The man turned slightly. _Foolish humans._

-..-

"What?" snarled Orochimaru. "You still haven't found the crystal?"

"No."

"Well, hurry it up! I want energy!" he flicked out his tongue. It flopped on the floor. Just then, a glimmering silhouette appeared and manifested into a pissed-off looking two-headed man, who bowed sullenly.

"Shakon?" Orochimaru was attempting to gather up his tongue. "Ash you heard, we havsh not found the cryshtal. I'm very dishpleashed." He slurped it into his mouth.

Sakon wiped a bit of spit off his face.

"So I want human energy instead. I'm going cannibal."

"It's already been taken care of, Orochimaru-sama."

Orochimaru noticed that his other head had red smears around the mouth, and wondered briefly about Sakon's diet.

-…-

The alarm was ringing.

Naruto was ignoring it.

It rang some more.

He continued to ignore it.

It rang.

He rolled over.

"Wake up!" snapped Iruka.

It rang.

Naruto pulled the covers over his head.

"Oh, come _on_!" yelled Iruka. He jumped up onto the bed and sat on Naruto, who "oof"ed in distress.

"I can't breath." He gasped.

"You won't be able to succeed on our mission like that!" snapped Iruka.

"Yeah, I can't hold my breath that long." Naruto wheezed. He shoved Iruka off and grabbed the clock, stopping the alarm.

"That's good." Said Iruka approvingly.

"WAH!"

Naruto had just seen what time it was.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP EARLIER?"

He sprinted into the bathroom as Iruka resisted the urge to strangle him.

-…-

Genma was calling roll.

"Hyuuga Hinata?"

"Hai."

He called off more names as Naruto snuck down the aisle.

"Good morning, Naruto-kun!" said Hinata brightly. Genma looked up.

"Naruto! Out in the hall!"

Naruto reflected it was lucky he wouldn't hit a girl as small as Hinata.

-…-

Hinata stood next to him in the hallway.

"Er…why are you out here with me?"

She tapped her fingers.

"Er…well…it's hard to explain…"

"You're weird."

"Yes."

-…-

Naru sprinted over to the tree that Hinata was leaning against.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" she asked, breathing hard.

"I want to…um…um…" she tapped her fingers together. "…um…um…um…um…um…um…"

Naru smacked her on the back of the head.

"…go on a date with Naruto! And write notes to each other and even eat ramen together!"

Naru burst out laughing and Hinata self-destructed with a small explosion.

"Look, it'll never work out if you just come out and ask him."

"So should I tackle him from behind? I found this thing on the internet called Thousand Years of Pain…"

Naru shook a finger at the small ash pile.

"No, no. You should consult a fortune teller!"

"Well, in that case, I think I already know the answer." The ashes reconstituted themselves into Hinata.

"I made all these charts based on my ideas. They have blood type, astrological sign, date of birth…" she started pulling papers out of nowhere. "According to these, Naruto and I are supposed to get married."

"I don't mean that crap! I mean a real fortune teller!"

"Oh."

"There's a new fortune-teller house that opened up in Juubangai. I heard he's pretty good. Why don't you try it?"

"Hai!"

-…-

Naruto ran lightly down the street, but stopped when he passed an alley and noticed someone there.

"Huh?"

He looked around. "That's weird. Usually there's a long line here."

The old man sitting at his booth laughed.

"I guess it's because there's competition. Look."

Naruto turned around, and saw the enormous "House of Fortune" sign with bright colors and lights that he had somehow missed before. He wrinkled his nose.

"Kinda gaudy. What is it?"

"The beauty from Juubangai."

Naruto turned around.

"Is it the same kind of fortune telling that you do?"

"Yeah. Everyone likes new things. No customer loyalty."

Naruto offered his hand.

"Read me!"

"Okay. Thank you."

He bent over Naruto's hand with a magnifying glass.

"There's a woman who likes you right now. And it's someone you see all the time."

Across the street, Hinata walked into the House of Fortune.

-…-

"Hmmm." Naruto walked along thoughtfully. "Someone I always see…maybe it's…"

He rushed over to the game arcade, peering in the window.

"I guess she's not here yet." He said, dejectedly.

"Yo, Naruto!"

Naruto looked up, immediately cheered.

"Perfect timing!" exclaimed the tall blonde woman. "I'm about to start working."

"Hello, Motoko!"

"Oh, Naruto, the new Sailor Lee game just came in." she said, walking into the arcade. Naruto followed. "You haven't played it yet, right?"

"Not yet."

-…-

"C'mon. C'mon. C'mon!"

Naruto wasn't very good at video games. A small tune signified game over.

He muttered something impolite under his breath.

"Hard, isn't it? Here, let me show you how it goes."

Motoko sat down beside Naruto and began to play the game.

His heart was pounding.

"See? You have to get this thing here, and then kill that, and basically just shoot anything that moves…"

_I'm really nervous, but this is still great!_

He turned his hand to find himself staring into a pair of brown eyes.

"Iruka! What are you doing here?"

Motoko leaned around him.

"Oh, so this cat's name is Iruka?"

"Huh?" Naruto interrupted their staring contest to look at Motoko. "Yeah."

"It's been around here lately. I wonder if it's a stray."

"I'm not an it." muttered Iruka under his breath.

He launched himself forward, teeth first, and bit down on Naruto's wrist.

"Ow! Okay, jeez, I'm going, you crazy cat!"

Iruka released his arm and Naruto grabbed his school bag.

"Well, bye.

"But we're still in the middle of the game!" protested Motoko.

_Oh, the games I'd love to play with you…_

But Naruto swallowed it. "I'll come back!"

"I'll be waiting. I feel good every time I see your face."

_Cheesy but awesome._

Naruto could feel his entire face going red.

He bowed to Motoko and ran out.

Once he was out he turned and yelled at Iruka.

"Hey, I was having a good time!"

"You shouldn't moon around over older women! She can't even tell gender!"

"It's not that easy with cats. Especially since you're wearing pants."

"Shut up. Anyway, is it okay for you to just stop somewhere on the way home from school? Especially if that somewhere has an older woman?"

"Will you shut up about older women! And, uh, it's not exactly good…"

"As long you understand that." Said Iruka smugly. "Like I told you this morning, Naruto, you have a mission."

But Naruto was already running down the street.

"Where are you going?" shouted Iruka.

"I'm gonna go see that geezer again and have him tell me more about Motoko!"

But when he reached the alley, there was no one there.

"Guess I was too late."

But he turned around to face the House of Fortune, enthusiasm renewed.

_I should probably wait for the geezer. But I wanna know now!_

"What are you doing, Naruto?" growled Iruka, who had caught up with him.

"What? Nothing."

Iruka eyed him, and Naruto swiftly changed the subject.

"I know! I'll tell my own fortune, about which one to go to!"

He slipped his shoe partly off.

"Right side up, geezer. Upside down, gaudy fortune house." He kicked his foot, and it went sailing. Iruka watched it arc through the air and land square on a pink head. She turned around.

"Oops. It's that smug girl again." Muttered Naruto.

"That hurt, dumpling head!"

"Is that all you ever say?"

"You'll never get a girlfriend acting like this!"

Naruto snatched his shoe back, and she began to walk away.

"Well, thanks a lot!" yelled Naruto angrily. He stuck out his tongue, and then turned around.

"Great. Good feeling's gone."

He shoved his shoe back on and stormed down the street, Iruka trailing after.

-…-

Inside the Gaudy House, incense smoked in a room full of people. Hinata, seated at a table, waited anxiously as a beautiful woman laid cards down in formation on the table. The woman blew, and all the cards flipped up.

"Wow." Whispered Hinata.

"Look into my eyes." Said the woman. Hinata looked.

"You are a wonderful servant of evil." Said the woman.

"I'm a wonderful anything?" whispered Hinata, amazed. The woman frowned, and Hinata went back to being properly hypnotized.

"You can do whatever you want." Said the woman.

"I will do whatever I want." Mumbled Hinata. A card rose from the table and slipped inside the shirt of Hinata's school uniform.

"I will soon be able to collect the energy." She gave a long, very evil giggle.

-…-

Naruto tromped heavily down the street behind Iruka, when a voice from behind called his name.

"Hey, Naruto!"

He turned around happily. "Hey, Dad! Shopping?"

Yondaime laughed weakly. "Yeah, I got home early and your mom caught me."

Both of them drooped at the thought of Naruto's mother.

"She gets kinda vicious about it." muttered Yondaime.

"Well, you do leave her all the housework. It's the least you can do."

Yondaime shrugged. Naruto made a small side trip into Fantasyland. _I bet Motoko would be nice. Not like Mom._

"By the way, Naruto," said Yondaime, interrupting him. "What were you doing out until now?" He broke out the death glare. "You shouldn't hang out after school."

Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, yeah. Like you don't bar-hop after work."

Yondaime started walking, and Naruto trailed after. "It's that or your mother, son. That or your mother."

Iruka followed. Yondaime noticed. "What's up with the cat, Naruto? I think it's following us."

Naruto shrugged. "I've been keeping him around."

"Well, it's weird-looking. Why is it wearing a shirt and pants?"

Iruka sniffed disdainfully.

-…-

Back at school, Naru and Naruto were standing by their lockers.

"Hey, did Hinata say anything to you?" asked Naru.

"No, why?"

Naru grinned. "I think she likes you!"

"WHAT?" The other students ignored him. They were used to it.

Naru grabbed Naruto's arm. "She's just too shy to admit it."

"Naruto! Let's go on a date!"

Naru and Naruto turned around. Hinata was standing there in a snazzy skirt. (Snazzy. He he.)

"Wtf?" said Naruto.

"You shouldn't come to school without your uniform on." Lectured Naru.

Hinata shrugged. "Who cares? Let's go on a date, Naruto."

Naruto blinked in horror.

"She's gotten brave all of a sudden." Muttered Naru.

Genma popped up. "What the hell, Hinata? Where's your uniform?"

Hinata took a donut form her bag and started eating it.

"What the hell are you thinking, Hinata?" growled Genma.

Hinata smirked and strutted past.

"Thinking this!"

She flipped up Genma's skirt. Fifty-three people popped out of nowhere and shouted, "GRATUITOUS PANTY SHOT! YAAY!" Then they all disappeared again.

"Why is he wearing a skirt?" muttered Naruto, as the article in question fluttered back down.

Genma stared after Hinata's retreating back and then down at his skirt. "Well, now I feel stupid." He said, finally.

Naru snickered.

And then the scene changed.

-…-

Later, in class, Hinata was laughing wildly over a manga while the other kids stared. The chalk snapped in Genma's hand.

"Enough!" He stalked back toward Hinata, but was tripped up by a student's foot. He gave the boy the Glare of Wrath.

"Punk, if we were not in school right now, I swear I would kick your—"

The boy only laughed. Genma's eyes narrowed further. "That's it!" He leapt for the boy. Two school security burst through the wall and leapt on him.

"No, Genma, no! Think of the money! The money!"

"My salary…" muttered Genma. Then—"No! The boy! The boy must die!" he made for the student again. The security guards started dragging him toward the door.

"The boy must diiiiie!"

As he was hauled away, Hinata was still laughing away at her manga.

-…-

After school, Naru and Naruto were talking.

"So, Hinata went to the Gaudy House?" said Naruto.

"Yeah, I told her to. I think that boy went there too. I mysteriously don't know his name, despite him being a classmate."

"He's not important to this fanfic. His name would just clutter things up."

The sound of glass breaking interrupted their plot-convenient conversation. Raidou opened the broken window and glared out with murder in his eyes.

"WTF?"

He swung the window shut again as another rock came sailing through.

"You're dumb. Stop acting like you're better than us!" yelled Hinata. She and a bunch of boys threw more rocks while Raidou snuck around through the door to administer swift justice before the security guards found out.

A card glowed purple through each boy's shirt. And Hinata's.

Though she barely counts in the course of the series.

-…-

At some unspecified location, the woman from the Gaudy House laughed evilly as purple energy (which is the tastiest kind, of course) flowed through the air to a card in her hand.

"Keep gathering energy."

Somewhere far far away, Sakon's chuckle matched her giggle for evilitude. "The rebellious energy of the young."

-…-

Naruto and Naru ran toward Hinata and the boys.

"What are you doing, Hinata?" yelled Naruto.

"Yeah, what the hell?" said Naru.

Hinata turned and smirked. "Yo, Naruto."

Naruto blinked uneasily. "What's wrong with you?"

Hinata gave him a nice big pedo-smile. "Wanna kiss?" she whispered, putting her hands on his shoulder and leaning in real close.

Naruto's eyes got round. "You're so creepy like this!" he whined. Naru covered her ears against the noise.

"You're so _creepy! Creepy! Creeeepy!_" he whined loudly. Hinata shook her head in disgust.

"Let's get out of here." She said to the boys. They marched off in a nice line.

Iruka watched them from the bushes. "I feel an evil energy." He muttered.

"Hey, Naruto. Shut. Up." Growled Naru.

"Creee-huh? Oh, they're gone. Cool, I gotta go."

Naru huffed an exasperated sigh as he left, Iruka trailing after.

-…-

"I wonder why Hinata left all of a sudden. She was being really disturbing." Muttered Naruto as he and Iruka walked.

"You know, Naruto, not to be cliché or anything, but I suspect the forces of evil." Said Iruka.

"No, I think she's just creepy."

"No, it's evil."

"No, she's just creepy."

"Evil."

"Creepy."

"Evil."

"Creepy."

"Evil."

"Creepy."

"EVIL AND THAT'S FINAL!" Iruka daintily cleared his throat as Naruto walked in a cowed silence.

"So…Hinata and the others…" he said, finally.

"Are probably being controlled." Said Iruka. "And never mind how I know that. I have a talent for that kind of thing."

"For having plot-relevant information for no discernible reason?"

"Yes."

"Oh. While we're at this, the Gaudy House is suspicious."

"What makes you say that?"

"It's what this whole episode's been about."

"Good point. Now let's go!"

He started bounding off.

"Fighting again?" whined Naruto. "I don't wanna!"

"TOO BAD!"

-…-

They crouched in the alley beside the Gaudy House.

"Transform in Sailor Moon." Commanded Iruka.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes!"

Naruto drooped. "I forgot the words."

"Liar. You just don't like the skirt. I already told you, we were expecting a girl. Deal with it. Now say it: Moon Prism Power Make Up!"

Naruto scuffed at the ground with a toe.

"Moon Prism Power Make Up." He muttered, embarrassed.

Ribbons spun from nowhere, clothing him in the boot and gloves and short skirt he already hated. He posed against a dramatic background.

"This sucks!"

-…-

Inside the Gaudy House, incense smoked. The creepy woman faced a roomful of teenagers.

"Very good." She purred. "Next I'll have you wreck havoc on the town."

Just then, someone yelled a dramatic fight line.

"Dramatic Fight Line!" The door burst open to reveal Sailor Moon.

"Who are you?" demanded Creepy Woman.

"I am the Sailor Warrior of Love and Justice!" shouted Naruto.

"That sounds kind of gay." Said Creepy Woman.

Naruto's spine stiffened. "Hey! I didn't pick the outfit! And just for that, I'm gonna whup you!"

"Like you weren't planning on it anyway." She snickered, reaching for a pack of guards. "No way am I going to be beaten by some moon fairy."

She flung the sharp cards at Naruto, who dodged clumsily, ending up sprawled on the ground.

"Hey, watch it?" he yelled.

"You don't have time for that!" hissed Iruka from the door.

"Right." Muttered Naruto, struggling to his feet.

Creepy Woman transformed into Medusa Woman in short order, and the boys gathered in the room went for Naruto, who backed up frantically.

"Hey, guys, take it easy…" he was almost backed into a corner when a cherry-blossom branch flew through the air, slashing at Medusa Woman.

The boys froze. Sailor Moon looked up to see a pink haired girl in a top hat. Her smile was shiny.

"Tuxedo Mask!" said Naruto, almost gleefully. "Wait, has your name even been revealed yet?"

"It has now." Tuxedo Mask said. "You should never give up no matter how hard it is."

"Nice platitude."

"Shut up! I'm leaving!"

"Bye, Tuxedo Mask!" said Naruto, waving. He had a little heart shower falling around him.

"Not like she did anything to help." Muttered Iruka.

A snarl from behind caught Naruto's attention. Medusa Woman was attacking!

"Rar!"

Naruto leapt out of the way as Medusa Woman's hiar tore furrows in the stone floor.

"Yeah, I've felt that." Muttered Naruto, chilled.

"Quick, Sailor Moon!" said Iruka. "The tiara!'

"Tiara." Grumbled Naruto, taking it off slowly. "Don't know why I have to wear a damn tiara—"

"Shut up and say the words!"

"Right. Moon Tiara Action!"

The tiara spun towards Medusa Woman, blasting her into ash.

Far far away, the glowing ball of energy in Sakon's hand poofed into nothingness.

"Dammit!"

-…-

"What? I flipped Genma's skirt?" Hinata stared at Naru in disbelief.

"Yup. And you tried to kiss Naruto, and you broke a teacher's window…"

Hinata turned around and started walking.

"Nothing is left for me but misery." She whispered.

Naruto popped up. "Cheer up, emo kid!"

Hinata blanched. "Er…about yesterday…"

"Aw, don't worry about it!"

"Okay!"

She skipped off to school. Naruto glared after her.

"She could at least fight a little…"

The bell began to ring.

"Crap!" he yelled. He started to run, but ran into the curb and tripped flat on his face.

"The world hates me! He wailed.


End file.
